i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He passed out mid-signature
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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