oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
