I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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