Little spoons don't ask big questions
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
