how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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