You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
