dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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