I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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