is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
