we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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