im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
