I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
