Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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