I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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