Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
