i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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