she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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