The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
