the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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