nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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