im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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