Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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