i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
