I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
