turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
