I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
