I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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