got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
