I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
