your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
