My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
