Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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