This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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