Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
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