i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
