I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
