Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
