I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
