It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Come back. Shots need mouths.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
