come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
