Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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