Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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