Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
