So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
