nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
