I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
