i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
