Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
