FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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