I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
