FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
